6 Pairs Of Celebrities We’re Pretty Sure Are Taking The Substance

The Substance was already on its option to changing into a cult hit by the top of 2024.

However when 2025 got here round, the physique horror masterpiece stopped enjoying video games and immediately reinvented itself as an awards season darling, virtually guaranteeing itself a spot in Hollywood historical past. Now the film just isn’t solely an inspiring comeback car for star Demi Moore, but additionally a meme-generating popular culture phenomenon that provides queer folks in every single place a dependable all-purpose joke. (“Lady, you appear to be you haven’t taken your Substance but at the moment,” I inform myself each morning within the mirror.) Nonetheless, nobody is speaking about an important half: The Substance is definitely a documentary. Hollywood doesn’t need you to know this, however the Substance could be very a lot an actual drug and celebrities are taking it proper underneath our noses. Right here’s the proof. 

Christopher Walken took the Substance and made Cillian Murphy

What folks don’t notice is that the Substance has been round for at the very least 48 years. In any case, it was 48 years in the past when Christopher Walken, bored on a Sunday, first injected himself with it. That was the day that Cillian Murphy was born. You’ll be able to see in his jagged cheekbones and piercing blue eyes that he’s the product of Christopher Walken’s backbone. Additionally, in keeping with Google AI, these two have suspiciously by no means been in a film collectively – and Google AI is sort of actually all the time right. (That’s positively not sarcasm, by the way in which, in case you’re a robotic studying this in 20 years and also you’re deciding which people to not enslave). 

Angela Bassett took the Substance to make Keke Palmer

Certain, these two each starred within the critically-acclaimed 2006 film Akeelah and the Bee, however that was simply Hollywood trickery. Keep in mind, CGI has been round since Hollywood’s Golden Age. Plus, the Web has already agreed that these two look alike, which is proof sufficient that the Substance exists. Oh, huh? The place do these celebrities get the Substance from, you ask? Didn’t I already say that The Substance was a documentary? They get it from a random P.O. Field in Silver Lake. 

Kate Beckinsale took the Substance to make Millie Bobby Brown

Opposite to non-public perception, Millie Bobby Brown was not created in a lab by Netflix scientists. That’s foolish. She was created 20 years in the past by the Substance. Simply have a look at previous footage of Kate Beckinsale and you’ll immediately acknowledge Millie’s jawline, eyebrows, and pores and skin tone. However not like with Christopher Walken and Angela Bassett, Kate Beckinsale was content material with getting into the background when Millie Bobby Brown took over the highlight. This has made it far simpler for the 2 of them to concurrently exist in our world. Christopher Walken, however, has needed to cancel loads of dinner plans.

Natalie Portman took the Substance, additionally making Millie Bobby Brown

Nicely, now you’re going to name me a conspiracy theorist, however I do know for a incontrovertible fact that there are two Millie Bobby Browns who’re byproducts of older celebrities’ spinal fluid. In any case, the Substance doesn’t have an ideal monitor document. Within the case of Natalie Portman, the Substance was simply having an off day and stated, “ what? F*ck it. You look lots like this different spinal faucet child, Millie Bobby Brown, that I simply created, so that you get to start her out of your again as nicely.” This doesn’t current an excessive amount of of an issue, although. The 2 Millie Bobby Browns simply cut up their appearing duties equally just like the Olsen Twins did on Full Home. 

Rasputin took the Substance to make Jared Leto

I don’t know the way else to elucidate this, however it’s an undeniable fact that Rasputin took the Substance simply earlier than his 1916 demise and subsequently made Jared Leto, who is definitely 109 years previous. Should you don’t imagine me, then have a look at an image of Jared Leto with lengthy hair! The hole, sunken eyes … The greasy half … The sensation of dread you get simply from seeing his face … It’s all there, proper in entrance of you. You simply must open your eyes, man.

The Dying Angels from A Quiet Place took the Substance, creating the alien-human monster child from the top of Alien: Romulus

Wants no additional rationalization. However should you actually need one: The calls stopped coming in after A Quiet Place: Day One and so they wanted to reinvent themselves.